Best Foot Foward- the story of my FINAL SURGERY in recovery from my brain AVM in 2006!

In April of 2006 I learned how to walk for the 2nd time after a massive AVM rupture. This is the photo of my in Loma Linda Rehab, California. The proud day I learned how to walk again!! During my time there I was consistently taught that my "effected"side was the "weak" one and that I should always "lead" in all physical activities with my stronger side. For example STEP right first, LOOK right first, everything RIGHT to teach the LEFT how to operate.

Even though the doctors were amazed with how fast my recovery was, and attributed it to my long history of relatively good health, dance and history of exercise patterns, learning how to walk was excruciatingly painful. This was because of the damage from the bleed left behind in my brain. The brain was unable to make connections with the muscles in my foot, and although physical therapy was helping, a new problem was surfacing.

Once I learned how to flex my foot, the bungee cord that tied my toes to my calf was taken off so I could lift my own foot while walking on my own! But soon after my toes started clawing the floor in an excruciatingly painful way. What was worse, it seemed the better I got at walking and balancing, the worse this problem became. The doctors ran many tests and came to the conclusion that the brain damage had destroyed the connection in the brain between the tendon that pulls the toes up, which caused the toes to over compensate by pulling down too much. The short term solution was to have several large, excruciatingly painful dosages of botox injected into the muscle receiving the signal. The botox acted as a numbing agent and would stop the muscle from receiving the signal to pull the toes down at all. While it stopped the painful curling, it also stopped my ability to use that muscle and pull my toes up as all, causing other types of muscle cramping and new pains. The long term solution....surgery. But which one?

In 2009 I moved to NY, last botox injection 6 months behind me and foot feeling fine, exercising on a regular basis and staying active. I had been pursuing acupuncture for my foot in hopes that natural healing could stop the curling. I assumed all the walking in NY would help activate the foot and cure it. Quite the opposite. Pretty soon at pain was so sever it was causing lack of sleep, NO medication, NO amount of acupuncture or massage would release the curling and worse, I couldn't find ANYONE in NY who would give me the botox injections. Not only was I miserable and in pain everyday, but I wasn't making ANY headway on my career since I was in too much pain to audition. In addition to the pain in my foot, my migraines were increasing. If I wasn't missing work due to a migraine, I was missing work due to my foot. Unable to work AND audition, I realized I could NOT stay in New York where life was at a stand still and I was becoming depressed because of it.

In November of 2009, only 6 months after moving to NY, I packed my bags and moved back to California to have a botox injection and stay until we could get my foot taken care of. I was already coming back for a friends wedding, why not stay and have my foot looked at/operated on and celebrate Christmas with family. Jerry was already in Seattle working for the Seahawks stadium as an executive chef for the rest of their season, so there was nothing for me in NY at that time.

After seeing my doctors in California, and getting the botox injection, which did NOT work anymore, we determined that surgery was indeed needed. However, no one knew which surgery to do. They did know, however, WHO WOULD know. Dr Hamilton (www.thefreelibrary.com/NYCB+DANCERS+BONE+UP+ON+INJURY+PREVENTION.-a070926831) an orthopedic surgeon who worked out of NY with dancers developing and perfecting the least invasive surgery techniques to help them get back up on their feet asap!

So, on the 20th on December 2009 (exactly 1 month after moving back to California) I moved to Seattle to spend Christmas with my other half. On January 20th 20010 after Christmas with my love and New Years at the needle, two things I would not trade for the WORLD, I packed my bags and headed back to NY for my scheduled consultation with the infamous Dr. Hamilton.

In late January of 2010 I saw Dr. Hamilton and he was A GOD SEND! Hanging on his wall was a sign stating something to the effect of God giving man the tools to improve and fix the pain on earth. I KNEW I was in good hands! Not only did he know which surgery would be best and least invasive for my recovery, BUT he actually personally called in a fellow that worked under a surgeon at the infamous and reputable Hospital for Special Surgery in New York who takes my insurance (since Dr Hamilton does not take ANY insurance at all). He would be able to perform the surgery under my insurance (the ONLY way I could have it done). He ALSO discounted my consultation greatly just to help me get set up and on my way toward health! TALK ABOUT AN ANSWER TO A PRAYER that started in 2006!

On July 12th 2010 after much waiting, preparation and testing I FINALLY received my 6th and FINAL surgery. MY LEFT FOOT was operated on at the HSS in NY and thanks to Dr Scott Ellis (in colaberation with Dr Hamilton) my TOES ARE STRAIGHT!!

(ok don't judge the photo, I know I need a pedicure, but I'm not allowed to submerge my foot in water for another 3 weeks yet) On August 2nd I will start physical therapy and begin the process of learning to make the connections in my brain with the remaining tendons in my foot! Maybe I'll even learn how to use my toes!! ;-)

GOD IS GREAT!!!!

xoxox

B

update-HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!!

I'm writing this on the cusp of a new year! Who knows what will come in the future but one thing I've learned is not to look with regret on the past. I'm blessed to be where I am today and I'm looking foward to the new year and all it has to teach and offer!! I'm wishing the same for you too. There is entirely too much to write between my last post and now, so instead of trying to catch you up, I'll just let you in on where I'm at now.

But first- after working my 9-5 at Amerivents I met Jerry Davis (a sous chef at the tennis center at Flushing Queens where I served a few times) and after two dates we fell in love and I (taking a huge leap of faith) moved in with him at his request. After both rocky and great times, we are still together! In fact, we moved into a bigger place for the two of us and our adorable dogs Lucy and Chloe!!

Which brings me to where I am today, in Seattle. Jerry's company transferred him here, and since we wanted to spend the holidays together after a short trip to see family in California and investigate some foot surgery I'll be needing, his company flew me here! For now I'm playing life by ear and making the most of the situation. Seattle is BEAUTIFUL and it's a gift to have this time here.

I've spent the past week looking desperately for a job and today it looks like two jobs might pan out. One is Starbucks and the other (I'm very excited about) is a Montessori school Teachers Assistant position. Although it would pay less then Starbucks, its potentially something I could see myself doing long term in NY!

I'll keep you updated and post my new headshots that Jerry bought me for my birthday in September soon!

LIFE IS A JOURNEY AND A GIFT FROM GOD!!! Missing all my friends in NY!
xo

I <3 NY

Today starts a new day! My first day off from working my 9-5 job. A new chapter. Now I will be able to make my own work schedule and I CAN NOT WAIT to go back to actors connecting and be again inspired here!!!!!!!!!!!!! NY HERE I COME TODAY.





I AM INSPIRED HERE
by the buildings, by the ground
by the people.

They are real. They are honest. They are similar in their
differences
and I love them.

I AM INSPIRED BY
the women going thru her day with two kids on her hands
and one in her belly.
protecting her children from the dangers of the day
by EXPOSING them to the truths in the world
but holding onto them for dear life as
they cross the subway gap TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.

I AM INSPIRED BY
a city full of artists who have real conversations
that are supportive and thought provoking
with people they
DON'T EVEN KNOW

I AM INSPIRED
by a theatre community of people who SUPPORT each other
in their art, not hateful out of jealousy.

My New Lesson....

This week I learned a new lesson and I'm thrilled to share it with you!

My whole life I have been a VERY goal oriented person. Never living in the "now" I was always preparing for my future. For example graduating High School at 16 and College at 20. Although I KNOW happiness lies in the NOW, by personality flaw (if you will) I always feel the need to be working towards the next chapter of my life.

Before I moved to NY, I started my own bible study book in an effort to keep my eyes fixed on what really matters in life. This book WHICH I RECOMMEND HIGHLY TO ALL OF MY GIRLFRIENDS is called Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. The first part of this book is a filled with inspiring stories woven around ideas from scripture. The second half is a journal that provokes you to write about how it relates to your life.

Anyway, I approached this book with the same intensity and diligence I do everything else. I was faithful to reading and journaling in this book every saingle day for about 6 weeks before I moved. After I moved I was very busy and slacked off. When I picked the book up again a few weeks after I moved I began to feel guilty for not keeping up with it. The guilt kept me from starting it up again.

Last night I wanted to read the book SO BAD, but COULDN'T LET MYSELF because I felt like unless I was 1000% committed to doing the journal I felt like there was no point! Then, last night I realized I MISSED reading the book. That I was getting a LOT out of the book even if I wasn't doing the journal faithfully after. So.....last night I made the decision to read the book as much as my heart wanted to and not hold anything against myself it I didn't "FINISH" it with writing in the journal........ and you know what????

I LOVED IT!!! I LEARNED FROM IT AND I FELT CONNECTED TO GOD AND HAPPIER ALL DAY BECAUSE OF IT! What I realized is that I have a bad habit of holding things against myself and not ALLOWING myself to enjoy something my OWN way. I don't need to do things the way they are "expected" to be done or the way the rules imply.

I guess what I learned is......
I can live life MY way and STILL BE HAPPY AND JUST FINE, regardless of what the "rules" have taught me. That means I DON'T need to be hard on myself FOR ANY OF MY DECISIONS.

So today I made another BIG DECISION, and I'm happy. I have decided to take some time off of performing. (I know, don't freek out) I've NEVER done this my WHOLE LIFE, and you know what I realize is that the THOUGHT of not having it scares me because I LOVE IT SO MUCH, but that's what insures me I'll go back to it.

For the next two weeks I'm going to work a normal job in the office of Amerivents, get an amazing pay check, run my dog at night and live a life outside of what I have been doing my whole life. Then I will LET MYSELF DO THIS WITHOUT JUDGMENT AND ONLY WITH ABSOLUTE LOVE FOR MYSELF. This, I feel, will teach me thinks I never would understand otherwise.

My New Job

Well, as of this week I'm a full time employee of Amerivents catering company. It seems after they hired me to work their events as a server, they then reviewed my resume and realized they needed me in the office to assist with hiring people for events. It seems to be the perfect job for me because I will be putting in my time as a full time 40 hr a week employee for a few weeks, until we have finished staffing the Big Apple BBQ, then my boss has assured me that I will be able to take as much time off as needed to auditions in the future, while still making my 40 hours a week either in the office or at night events.

I decided to take time off from auditioning until there are more auditions that will hire non union and give them their equity card. This will give me enough time to save my money and go back to auditions when I am stable AND have my equity card which will ensure me I will be seen.

I'm TIRED, but I'm OPTIMISTIC.

On another note, I have decided to finally start writing my book. I started last week and as soon as I have some time off I'll be headed to central park with Lucy to settle in with my journal and write away! I've already started on it and it's coming along great! More on that soon!!

lots of love!!

New advancments....

Ok, Ive been here One month and 10 days today, and I finally joined Actors Connection. Perhaps the BEST move I've made the entire month I've been here!! I had my free consult today, rewrote my resume for the east coast, and even picked out NEW HEADSHOTS!! (they are actually old but I like them better and I'll post them soon!) I'm going to get them reproduced this week!! I feel like things are moving along great!! I'll even be singing in front of top casting directors within the next few months in private meetings with them through AC!!

WISH ME LUCK!! XOXOX

In the beginning....

It's hard to know where to begin. When you think about it there are a lot of songs that have this exact theme. An appropriate first two sentences for a blog titled after a song and has the url with the words "barbara's song" in it. If you are a musical theatre NERD the song you may be humming is "lets start at the very beginning"....or perhaps "when we begin the begin..." but I must admit I don't believe in this beginning at the beginning shit. (oh yeah, I curse sometimes, but I try to reserve my occasional cursing for days that end in Y so if your offended, please feel free to check back on a differently spelled day of the week. ;) Let me be honest with you right from the beginning. Im a very pleasent person and I try me best in ALL cercumstances to bring out the best in people but I'm also VERY honest at ALL times and I DON'T believe in pretending to be someone I'm not for the sake of anyone else. For this reason I will not invite younger adults to view my blogs. I could go on, but for the sake of being kind in the first post I'll not touch this subject further.

SO HERE I AM. I'M not STARING AT THE BEGINNING, I'm plowing right on into 2009. May 25th 2009 to be exact. I'm divorced, talented, immensely loved, poor, overwhelmed and happy. I'm also learning and when I finally GET IT, I'll let you know whatever "it" is.

Soooo I FINALLY did it. I MOVED TO NY!!! I have officially been here for 1 month and 8 days and I LOVE IT HERE. I'm FINALLY HAPPY! I want you all to know how grateful I am for your support, and I fully intend on keeping you all filled in here, and on facebook (as you all know already I treat my status updates like twitter on some days ;p)